This really isn’t a post about the Berlin Wall or the fall of the wall. It is more about the fact that its been 20 years. TWENTY years.
When I was in high school, um twenty-seven years ago. I wrote an essay on the Berlin wall. While researching and writing the paper my mom and I had some conversations about the wall, about oppression, about fear and how it spawns hate.
When the wall came down I was working at United Graphics, my mom was working down on Eastlake and had only been home a month or so from the fishing season in Haines. She called me at work and we went out to lunch and had a fantastic grown up conversation (thats how it felt) about the Wall, about Regan about the cold war.
It was only a few month later that she died. I know 20 years is coming up, right around the corner. Della and I were talking recently about how long its been. I mentioned it to a co-worker who is about to hit one year that her mom died. Maybe its the upcoming holidays, maybe its pms (cause its on-going these days) but yesterday’s mark of twenty years that the Berlin wall came down hit an emotional nerve. It seemed soooo long ago yet I can so vividly remember that conversation with my mom while sitting at Changs Mongolian grill. I just wanted to talk to my mom about the anniversary of the fall, my emotional nerve endings felt so exposed and made yesterday a very long day trying to keep it in check. It didn’t help that the work load sucked, in early out late and an over perfumed office were all getting to me.
What is hard to believe that most everything else major that happened during my lifetime that will have a “twenty year anniversary” happened without my mom. Without me being able to have memories like a conversation over lunch about such a huge and momentous event. For that matter minor and mundane events either. A life without being able to seek her advise or guidance. The things I may have done differently in my life if I had my mom to check in with, to fall back on.
November 10, 2009 at 11:08 am
Sorry sweetie. Maybe the loss of your mother doesn’t get easier over time. Instead the nature of the pain changes over the years. Light a candle, have a good cry, and talk to her. She’s still listening.
November 11, 2009 at 7:33 am
Your blog stirred up emotions in me too. I understand how much you miss you mom. How is it possible that 20 years went by so fast? Love you!
November 11, 2009 at 8:05 am
Oh sister, oh sister…
I so know exactly what you mean. I think about her often and wonder how our lives would have been different. I wonder mostly how my children’s lives would have been different if they had been given the blessing of more time with her, or any grandparents for that matter. I do believe though that for the most part our lives would have turned out the same or pretty similar. Because even though we only had her for almost as long as she’s been gone now, we stilled lived our lives based on what she taught us. And she was a fabulous mother who taught us well in the short time we had her!
I love you.
November 11, 2009 at 9:56 am
Sending you lots of love. I so know what you mean. Somehow it was perfect for me to read this today. Thank you. xo Sarah
November 14, 2009 at 12:08 pm
This is the reason that I popped onto your blog today. Thirteeen years on December 12th. To think that I’ve lived (almost), my complete decade of 20’s without my mother and have managed to turn out even half as good as her is amazing to me. My uncle, my mom’s youngest brother, was stationed in Germany during the fall of the Berlin Wall. She video camera’d my brother, sister and I telling him about our upcoming school concert and sent the video to him. He returned the video when he got back and I still have it to this day…with my mom’s voice in the background….and her beautiful, big, bold laugh that was as infectious as anything could be.