I can’t stop looking at it.  I have opened it up several times since I got the email. 
I sure could use a dose of my mom right now. 
There is so much I want to tell her, advise I’m sure she would have, just a good long hug would be nice.

So…………………………..

Right now I am waiting for the Dr.  In the next two days he is getting me some statistics that I can use to make a decision.  Statistics on survival based just on amputation.  Estimates on “long-term splinting” which would be every few weeks, estimates on the amputation.

He knows my top priority is to not have her suffer…..  The rest I have to figure out if it’s for her or for me.

Hard to believe this was her a few weeks ago as we headed out for a day hike with Katherine and Sophie.

And this is her now, on pain meds, splinted and hanging close.

Bummed, but hey I read over the other 100 entries and I clearly did not use enough of the pre=made Pillsbury and Crisco products.

I got an application sent to me for the next contest.  I don’t think I’ll enter Outrageous Oatmeal Cookie again….although it was fun telling people at the market all Summer that it was entered.

She had been from what I knew, just lying on the dining room floor.  I flew down the stairs as Vivian flew up the stairs from her room.  There in the middle of the room was Missy, crying, at top volume, limping and holding up her leg-shoulder-arm-paw…oh hell the entire front right quadrant.

It took a bit to calm her down, she just continued bellowing.  Dale got home and could hear her from the driveway.  She would not put any weight on the leg.  I tried to get her to lie down but she was having difficulties with that.  I could see the joint swelling and wrapped it in an ace bandage and gave her an expired Rimadyl from her sprained neck in 2008.  I called the vet but they had closed for the day, keeping her still for the night and all of Sunday was the top goal.

I got a hold of the vet on Sunday and made an appointment for this morning.  Dr Jon (more on him later) could not feel a break in the radius or ulna.  He went through every joint in her foot and was surprised at the amount of swelling in her paw.  Missy is still at the vet.  They are doing x-rays today.  Hopefully it is just a soft tissue sprain that maybe some splinting will help. 

Here is Missy giving me the hang-dog, oh woe is me look while at the vet…..

 …

So a little on Dr. Jon.  I love Missy’s vet.  He is so very gentle with her, he calls her “Sweat Pea” examines her on the floor, following her around, including under the examination table if that’s where she heads.  He holds her and pets her and lets her lick him and is just so gentle.  I am amazed every time we see him.  Today when I was there I mentioned her annual shots that are coming up in April/May, since I will be busting out a charge card today I figured I would just add them in.  He said we could, but he would prefer to just have a technician do them when they are actually due, that there wouldn’t be an office charge and it was just better for her…..What, no up sell??  This is the same vet who so tenderly put Jaq down when it came to that and I hope he never leaves this clinic as long as I have pets.

Katherine bought me a Living Social pool party last year for my birthday.  I tried to book it on my actual birthday last February but at the time Belltown Billards was not open on Sunday’s.  It didn’t seem like a big deal….I had a year, Chari’s visit in February was almost over so I would just do it later.   Later in 2011 just didn’t happen, Chari never made it back up, I had a crazy Summer at the markets and Katherine travelled a lot.

Later it is.  The voucher actually expired on Friday but they let me book it for Saturday.  So Katherine, Vivian and I went.  Yep, Happy Birthday 2011!  There was another party at the table next to us, there had to have been twenty-five people there.  Vivian astutely pointed out that they had more friends than me.

The food was ….eh.  The place was ….cold.  We sorta suck at pool, but hey our table wasn’t warped.  It was a fun time and at least we got to use the voucher.  I’m not even going to analyze what it says about the three of us that we could go out for a Saturday night and be home before 9:00 pm.  Not on the way home mind you….but home.

There was a forecast for snow on Wednesday and I told my boss that if I was snowed in I would call, I didn’t have anything pressing and wouldn’t be driving in. Thursday and Friday I thought I would be back in the office.

What I didn’t realize is that I would still be stuck in the house three days later, no cable, no internet and if it weren’t for my 15 foot commute to my gym I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.  (Guess I should have just left the vacation on the calendar)

Today the rain finally started, I have broken trees, broken branches, probably destroyed rhododendrons and a collapsing gutter.  The pot of soup I made on Tuesday has gotten me through but cabin fever is getting serious.  My housemates are stuck as well, so we played some Wii bowling last night.  But today when Viv went to go for a walk the road crew told her it was too dangerous with the falling ice unless she had a place she had to be.

Since there is no internet (I am writing this in a draft to publish once we are on-line) I am cleaning out drawers, working out, doing some writing and listening to music.  I am officially tea-logged as well.

Here are some pictures…..

Things Happen;
Practicing Pragmatic;
Making Happy;
Front of the Line;

I am………….

Things change.  Even when you have no intention of them changing.  I agreed to “things happen” also “if you don’t want to be here just say so, don’t drag it out”  Those ideals sound better, easier when things are “good” or at least things are the status quo.

Dealing with things sensibly (pragmatic) and realistically………………… I have tried that for the first half of my life.  It is against my person to completely toss out sensible.  However the opposite is a lot more exciting.

I do not like to disappoint people.  Perhaps it is a character flaw, perhaps it is a character (what is the opposite of flaw) bonus.  What I do know is no matter how many times in my life I have tried this exact leaf to overturn, it has been difficult for me.  Often leaving me and others disappointed (ok we will go with flaw.)  I can only pray that with no intent to hurt people, that working from a place to make myself happy, I hurt others as little as possible.

I am working toward the front of my happiness line right now.  There are some uncomfortable doors I’ve been opening.  Some thrilling scenes and the allowing of myself to be vulnerable.  All of which makes me feel alive, un-answering to anyone else, a part of me just not caring about those who will judge me.  I am almost 47, I am a good person, I alone can make me happy, even if it means its uncomfortable to some.

Long story short, I pulled into the Savory Cafe where Elizabeth was playing about 7:30.  She didn’t see me come in so I sat in a chair nearby and when her song was finished I clapped and then she saw me.  It was great to see her and stay in her space.  Friday night once she was done we headed back to her place and got Missy settled in.  Then we headed out to catch some other live music.  After midnight we went to a little cabin on the beach, the waves and moon were incredible but we didn’t stay long before heading back to her place and settling in.

There were friends staying from Portland as well and Matt made us all breakfast in the morning.  Elizabeth had to work for a little bit, then she napped…so Shae, Forest (the two-year old) and I went out to the aquarium and for coffee.  Once Elizabeth was up she and I went to lunch and had some good conversation while waiting for her crabber to land after a week out on the boat.

Hanging around the docks and seeing the boats really took me back to growing up.  It was fabulous to see Elizabeth and meet her friends.  It helped to distract my brain and having some conversations about her relationships was wonderfully clarifying for me as well.  There is something centering about her to me.  Its like hitting my reset button whenever I get to connect with her.  I really need to make Newport a more regular destination.

I left Sunday when it was snowing, having heard from home that we had snow here and needing to get back over highway 20 before it got to cold(er).  I was able to stop in Portland and visit Beth and Rick, they made a quick dinner and we hung for a couple of hours visiting before hitting the road again.  Again, another destination that I hope to make more often, perhaps without Missy and Boots is none to happy with her there.

The worst of my snow was defiantly early in the day from the coast to the inland.  I-5 home was snowy and my block very icy but I got home safe and today is one of those lazy stay in/on the bed all day.  (Listening to Elizabeth’s new CD that I got while down there)

It fired right up and has been fine since.  The problem is not the battery, although if this keeps happening I’m sure it will weaken.

The jumper has sat charging for the last few days with no need for it.  Dale got home yesterday and when he went to work this morning he loaded it back into his car.

I was still home getting a slow start and waiting to drop Katherine off at the airport.  After getting the four dogs situated and bags loaded into the truck…it of course would not start.

Bags back in hers, I grabbed my badge for work and drove her very quite, smooth, hybrid to the airport and then work.

I am hoping to get away for the weekend for some me time on the coast but have got to get this figured out before then.

I may just disconnect the entire radio, although that sounds tough for a road trip.  It’s not like it will take a cd anyway so I just get whatever I can get on the radio.  I guess yanking it would still be better than having this keep happening.

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.